Everyone has an identity crisis. Multiple, even. It's a part of our personalities developing. And as much as everyone cringes at teeny-bopper mall goths, when they mature a little bit, it's so nice to see how they fill out, so to speak.
I will likely never grow out of identity crisis (crisises? crisi?). Welcome to being an ENFP. I'm constantly on a mission to uncover more of my personality, and I want to constantly grow as a person.
However, for some reason, this seems to come with people making an image of myself in their heads. A very false one.And yet I never argue. I stand back, and allow everyone to make me into what they need. The problem is that people often make me better than I am. I am no saint, and I am no angel. I am not always a good person.
In fact, I am pretty rarely a good person. I can't live up to the standards people set for me, and it's very stressful. I'd love to be perfect, in every way. Have a perfect brain, a perfect body, and a perfect soul. But I can't. As hard as I try.
I still get jealous. A lot. Too much, actually. My cardinal sin was once wrath, but over the years it 's shifted to envy. I'm jealous of everyone for what they have. Even stupid things. I'm jealous of the attention other people get from my loved ones, I'm jealous of beautiful people, I'm jealous of confident people, I'm jealous of people who have the time to be what they want to be. I'm jealous of people who don't hate their job. I'm jealous of my best friend's other best friend because she's much more beautiful than I. I'm jealous of my boyfriend's ex for no reason at all.
It may stem from low self-value. I don't care for myself, and I don't believe that anyone else does either. I thought for so long that that was a fact, that I find it hard to trust people. And once I do, and they betray my trust (Which everyone will do at some point, it's a fact of life. Everyone makes mistakes, and some of those will hurt you.), I can't ever fully let it go.
I don't harbor resentment. I don't feel anger, or blame. Just hurt. I feel the pain of when someone shut me out of their life. I feel the pain of when someone had second thoughts. I try so hard to let go, but I'm afraid.
Maybe that when I fully heal, it will happen again. Maybe I'm afraid that if I don't keep hurting myself with these memories, I'll be tender and weak when I'm betrayed again. I'm afraid that I'll be alone again, even when people are around. The feeling of being isolated in a room full of people close to you is horrifying. I think I'm trying to protect myself.
But how long can I remain shielded from life?
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
A Note From Your Housekeeper
Dearest guests,
Welcome to our fine (or at least habitable) establishment. My name is Raven, and I will be your housekeeper. I would like to leave you this list of tips to make your stay even more enjoyable, for ALL of those involved.
1) Common Courtesy, Clean Your Shit Up - I don't know if you leave your house a damn mess every day, and I don't care. No judgement here. That's what my room always looks like. But this ISN'T your house. When you check out, that mess doesn't magically disappear. Someone has to clean it up. And that someone is me. I don't have all day to clean your frozen exploded soda out of the fridge. How DID you get it to freeze that quickly? It was frozen to the fridge ceiling in a large quantity.
2) You Don't Need To Shave, That Beard Looks Smashing on You - You know what sucks? Cleaning hair out of a sink. Or a tub. Or a toilet. Why are you shaving over the toilet, sir? I find that to be an interesting choice. Hair is a bits to clean out. It sticks to everything EXCEPT what you're cleaning with. And it's apparently invisible until my manager does my room check, when it reappears in all of it's tub-soiling glory. And then I look like an idiot.
3) I'm Sure You're MegaFoxyHot, but Can You Refrain from Getting Baby Batter All Over The Mirror? - Pretty please. For the love of god. STOP GETTING YOUR BODILY FLUIDS ON EVERYTHING. I would appreciate it immensely. My idea of a good day is not cleaning love juices off of whatever weird surface you got it on. I don't need to know what gets you off. In fact, the less I know, the better.
4) You Know That Sign? Don't Pay Attention To It - That sign that says that I care about your comfort? It's a lie, I don't care. The one that says to ask me if you want anything? Don't, I don't care. Deal without it. You know that sign that says to ask when you want your sheets changed? Screw you. DO you change your sheets at home every day? No. I understand if your sheets got covered in...something, but if you just want you sheets changed for fun, you are an idiot and I hate you. I have twenty other beds to strip, sheet, blanket, fold, tuck, and put the comforter on. When you add more to that list, you extend my workday by fifteen minutes. That is not okay. I hate my job enough already.
5) That Envelope is for Tips, Not Decoration - Tip your housekeeper. I clean and restock your room, make your beds, and take out your trash every day that you stay. The least you could do is leave me a few bucks wen you check out. Not to mention, housekeepers take care of tippers. You leave us a tip, and your room will be clean, aired out and freshened, Your sink will be clean, your tub will be clean, your damn toilet will be clean. We'll give you extra coffe if we see that you drink it regularly, we'll even pick up your dirty clothes. If you're an ass, we don't care about you or your stupid room.
Following these easy tips will ensure that your housekeeper won't hate you. And you really don't want your housekeeper to hate you, I promise.
Much love,
Raven
Welcome to our fine (or at least habitable) establishment. My name is Raven, and I will be your housekeeper. I would like to leave you this list of tips to make your stay even more enjoyable, for ALL of those involved.
1) Common Courtesy, Clean Your Shit Up - I don't know if you leave your house a damn mess every day, and I don't care. No judgement here. That's what my room always looks like. But this ISN'T your house. When you check out, that mess doesn't magically disappear. Someone has to clean it up. And that someone is me. I don't have all day to clean your frozen exploded soda out of the fridge. How DID you get it to freeze that quickly? It was frozen to the fridge ceiling in a large quantity.
2) You Don't Need To Shave, That Beard Looks Smashing on You - You know what sucks? Cleaning hair out of a sink. Or a tub. Or a toilet. Why are you shaving over the toilet, sir? I find that to be an interesting choice. Hair is a bits to clean out. It sticks to everything EXCEPT what you're cleaning with. And it's apparently invisible until my manager does my room check, when it reappears in all of it's tub-soiling glory. And then I look like an idiot.
3) I'm Sure You're MegaFoxyHot, but Can You Refrain from Getting Baby Batter All Over The Mirror? - Pretty please. For the love of god. STOP GETTING YOUR BODILY FLUIDS ON EVERYTHING. I would appreciate it immensely. My idea of a good day is not cleaning love juices off of whatever weird surface you got it on. I don't need to know what gets you off. In fact, the less I know, the better.
4) You Know That Sign? Don't Pay Attention To It - That sign that says that I care about your comfort? It's a lie, I don't care. The one that says to ask me if you want anything? Don't, I don't care. Deal without it. You know that sign that says to ask when you want your sheets changed? Screw you. DO you change your sheets at home every day? No. I understand if your sheets got covered in...something, but if you just want you sheets changed for fun, you are an idiot and I hate you. I have twenty other beds to strip, sheet, blanket, fold, tuck, and put the comforter on. When you add more to that list, you extend my workday by fifteen minutes. That is not okay. I hate my job enough already.
5) That Envelope is for Tips, Not Decoration - Tip your housekeeper. I clean and restock your room, make your beds, and take out your trash every day that you stay. The least you could do is leave me a few bucks wen you check out. Not to mention, housekeepers take care of tippers. You leave us a tip, and your room will be clean, aired out and freshened, Your sink will be clean, your tub will be clean, your damn toilet will be clean. We'll give you extra coffe if we see that you drink it regularly, we'll even pick up your dirty clothes. If you're an ass, we don't care about you or your stupid room.
Following these easy tips will ensure that your housekeeper won't hate you. And you really don't want your housekeeper to hate you, I promise.
Much love,
Raven
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Why, hello again!
It's been a but of a hectic few weeks. I've just moved into my first apartment, and the internet providers were being idiots. We're finally hooked up, though. Not to mention the fabulous beautiful television we've got hooked up to the PS3. I don't care if I'm poor, so long as I get to play Oblivion in HD :3
I know this isn't a proper post, it's more of a notice that I do in fact exist still, and that I didn't do that thihng people very often do where they post three or four blogs and then forget about it.
I promise, a post of actual interest will be coming soonish!
Toodles,
Raven
I know this isn't a proper post, it's more of a notice that I do in fact exist still, and that I didn't do that thihng people very often do where they post three or four blogs and then forget about it.
I promise, a post of actual interest will be coming soonish!
Toodles,
Raven
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Employment, and Moving Day
I have been too insanely tired to write lately.
The good news is, I have a job! The bad news is that it sucks XP I work at a motel doing housekeeping, and it's so exhausting. And my shifts end up being a lot longer than they should because I'm still pretty slow. So I may be pretty scarce for a bit, because when I get home, all I want to do is sleep XP
In other news, today is moving day! Diamond and I will be moving into our apartment today, so that's pretty exciting. I can't wait to have a kitchen I'm allowed to be in. I've been losing too much weight much too quickly because I haven't been eating well. So food will be exciting! :D
Long day ahead of me!
Raven
The good news is, I have a job! The bad news is that it sucks XP I work at a motel doing housekeeping, and it's so exhausting. And my shifts end up being a lot longer than they should because I'm still pretty slow. So I may be pretty scarce for a bit, because when I get home, all I want to do is sleep XP
In other news, today is moving day! Diamond and I will be moving into our apartment today, so that's pretty exciting. I can't wait to have a kitchen I'm allowed to be in. I've been losing too much weight much too quickly because I haven't been eating well. So food will be exciting! :D
Long day ahead of me!
Raven
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