Sunday, January 29, 2012

Journal Entry From January 2012- On Lies

Here's another journal entry for your reading pleasure (or displeasure. So long as you read it, I'm not too picky). This is more recent, from January 2012. Let's jump right in, shall we?

How fragile we are. So easily betrayed by our own trust. Why do others' lies give us such pain? Surely, they don't affect us all that much. 
Just words, I should say. But somehow, they can. They can hurt more than any physical grievance. That doesn't seem right. How is it that believing a person, and then retroactively discovering their lies, hurts?
Just words. Is it the insincerity that hurts? Or, perhaps, it's our self-worth. Maybe, in seeing that we aren't worth the truth, we lose the same measure of esteem in ourselves. 
Perhaps the betrayal of those who called themselves "friend", "loved one", we lose confidence in the ability to believe that anyone will ever be truthful, and that we will always be surrounded by acquaintances, never truly close to anyone. 
Why become old and bitter? We ought to be careless and carefree as long as we last.
Everyone lies, so stop trusting. Everyone hurts you, so don't let them in. The world is cold to you, so be cold right back to the bastard. I won't let this world bring me down. And I will no longer allow interpersonal relationships to do it either. 
If I'm going to be broken, it will be on my own terms.
Glorious, and in flames. 
Build my boat.
          Raven

Journal Entry from October 2011- On Death

Hello dears. Usually, when I post a blog post, there's no planning going into it. I open up blogger on a computer or my iPod, and I begin unceremoniously dropping my thoughts onto you. But I've decided that some of my journal entries may interest someone, so I'll be picking some of them to be transferred to here. The one you are about to read is (approximately, I forgot to date it) from October 2011. It is some of my views on death, which I have extensively thought about since I was young. No one in my life died or anything, I was just a morbid child, with long periods of time alone to think way too much. So, without further ado, let the entry begin. 



I don't fear death. Death isn't malevolent or evil. It just is. It's a force of nature. Things only acquire attributes when we assign them.
We fear ending, because we can't be sure of what happens next. We may find some small comfort in religions that claim to show us the way to eternal life. But who wants eternal life? What paradise will be satisfying for billions of trillions of years? Why must death be temporary to subside our fears? Our life would still be ended, taking us from our loved ones, our possessions, and the things we love to do.
What makes that better than death? It seems not to be the act of leaving this mortal coil we fear, then. So what is it? Are we afraid it will hurt? Because if it does, it will still hurt if we follow it with paradise. Is it fear of nothingness?
Maybe it's a survival instinct that prompts us to want to BE. Maybe our fear of death stems from our need to live, to perpetuate our species. Maybe without this fear, we would be more flippant, not caring about anything, because what's the worst that can happen? Death? Who's afraid of death?
Maybe the courageous died, taking their courage with them, only to live on in legend. The skittish and frightened passed on their traits, because they ran from battle. But is it better, then, to live a coward than to die with glory and honor?
I want to know what, if anything, lies beyond the last breath. I want to see death with my own eyes. Maybe the genetics of the ill-fated curious got passed down to me.
Who knows.

          Raven

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

People and Stuff

I've been doing a lot of people-watching lately. Perhaps "watching" isn't quite right. It's somewhere along the lines of observing. It's even more interesting to watch people you know, because you get to see their behavior in different conditions.

Our behaviors aren't quite as fixed as we'd like to believe. Around different peers, our behavior changes, reflecting strong facets of other's personalities. We reflect the people around us, as part of our natural want to be part of a unit, and be liked by our peers. This causes something you've probably all seen, either because it's happened to you, or to a friend. At some point, one person will develop feelings for someone else, and at some point, you will reflect that esteem onto the other person. The same can be seen in group, or mob, mentalities. The individuals begin to lose their identities, and become as one unit. Distinguishing personality traits meld into the more broad vision of the gathering.

In addition, there is a tendency among many people I know (and possibly people you know, my one dear confirmed reader) shield themselves from hurt. There is a propensity to call this strength, but I feel differently. I don't believe that strength is to hold yourself apart, and to not rely on anyone else. In this blogmistress' humble opinion, I believe that strength is the ability to open ourselves up to the possibility of deep and piercing hurt, and not be afraid to care about someone just because they have, or may in the future, cause you pain. While we cling to feelings of resentment and fear, we limit our ability to better ourselves and grow outside of the limits of what we can achieve alone. There is a measure of personal growth that can only truly be attained through our relationships with others.

I do plan on breaking up these huge walls of text with pictures later, but I've been writing this from the mobile app, so my formatting abilities are somewhat limited.

So, until next time I feel like blathering away at you, adieu
Raven

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Ink Blots and Pensive Thoughts

I've been looking at a lot of Rorschach cards lately, mostly because when I have a tattoo idea I research obsessively (An inkblot in a gilded rococo frame :3), and I've noticed a bit of a theme in my own interpretation.

Obviously, the point of inkblots is that they are abstract, but the human brain interprets them as images, and it gives a glance into each person's psyche. There's been a great deal of discussion whether you can determine whether someone is "disturbed" from these tests, but there's no doubt that you'll gain an insight into your own brain.

 Every time I see one of these Rorschach cards, my interpretations tend to be darkly inclined. Where the acceptable answers are "butterflies, flowers, crowds, people playing pattycake", I usually see bats, snakes, dark lakes, or restless spirits. If we used traditional interpretations, these answers would mean that I was disturbed, or had a major issue with my psyche. This is exactly why Rorschach tests have recently been cut from Social Service's evaluations. They would use these inkblots to determine if children's home lives were healthy, or if they were dangerous situations. I think people are really starting to understand that just because people see things that are commonly veiwed as "dark" or "scary", they aren't necessarily troubled.

I think it's really important that as a society we're moving away from some of these social stigmas. I was lucky enough to grow up with people who accepted my eccentricities, and my darkness, and didn't judge me or make me feel like a freak. I know a lot of people who weren't that lucky, who felt like they had to suppress who they were to feel accepted and loved. I believe vehemently in being true to who you are and what you want, and not trying to hold anything under the surface. I want my children to be able to grow up with people who will love and accept them, whether they love purple bats and horror movies, or if they like pink flowers and barbie dolls, or any combination of the two.

So lovelies, tell me what you see.





Keep on keepin on,
           Raven


Monday, January 16, 2012

I must like punishing myself.

I've always been bad at introductions, which is why I have a tendency to just jump into the meat of whatever topic I'm discussing.
D
o
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W
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G
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So jumping right in! I've decided to do a juice cleanse. You know, one of those satanic liquid diets that only wacky new-age folks do? I tend to occasionally be one of those wacky new-age folks. Nothing really brought about my decision, I just found orange juice and cranberry juice at work (As I mentioned, I work at a motel. People are always buying groceries that they don't get to, and leaving them here), I haven't been able to eat for crap lately anyway, and I've already been crabby and irritable, so I thought "Why not make it worse? :D".

It;s also important to note that I have no willpower, so on my first day, I already made a sandwich for myself and ate it. However, I didn't make it because I was hungry (In fact, I felt freaking awful after eating it. Like I ate way more than I could fit in my belly), I really only ate it because I had the impulse to eat. So I don't think the hunger will cause me problems as much as the instinct to eat.

The juice and copious amounts of water diet, along with my yoga (which I really need to start doing more regularly), should help get yucky stuff pouring out of my pores pretty quickly. And I do mean that literally, toxins will start coming out of my pores, and I will have to take a billion showers so I don't smell funny. In theory, after one of these cleanses, you feel lighter, and gain a sense of clarity. It probably won't happen, but I can't know until I try, right? I could use some clarity.

In other news, I have once again brutalized my hair, bleaching out the black dye and dying it red. So now I have lovely raspberry locks, and a serious need for a protein filler. They have one in red at Sally's, so I'll pick that up next chance I get.

I've also picked up smoking, which is a terrible habit, but since I'm nineteen and haven't ever done anything worse than cutting class, I think I can get away with it. To specify, I'm actually smoking primetimes, which are mini cigars, and don't make me want to throw up the way normal cigarettes do. Also, nicotine is super neat! I was having anxious tremors, and it's helped me out a lot with that.

I'm trying to be a more social person, because I tend to never let anyone in, so when someone that has been let in hurts me, it's the most destructive thing in the world, because I don't even have the benefit of a group of people to lean on. But my roommate slash best friend is coming home from visiting Rhi tomorrow, and I've been hanging out with Tim and Becca a ton, so I'm feeling okay with this circle. Especially because they can all get along, so I can hang out with everyone at once XD

That's about it for now, so I'll check back in if I reach enlightenment, or if I throw up my organs, from this cleanse crap I'm doing XD

Toodles for now,
          Raven

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Escapism

I have a tendency to run away. I hide in some kind of fake world when everything gets too hard.

It's a habit I started as a child. When I got too scared and alone, when my depression cycled around, everyone would pretend nothing was wrong. I felt invisible, and that hurt too much. So I escaped into books, and movies, and my own imagination. Those were the places where I could be important. Because those worlds couldn't exist without me. I had value because I brought life to the imaginary.

Now I've grown up a bit, and I can't escape into my imagination the way I used to. I used to be able to fully block out the real world, and live in a fantasy. Now life is too real to be ignored. But I'm still not brave enough. I still run away.The dark times in my life are all accompanied by a spike in reading, or watching long series of shows, that I would get absorbed into.

It's the same now. I'm getting absorbed into Nana and Bones. In Nana, I can find someone strong, and in Bones, I'm in a world I can understand.

Nana is a tough punk rocker, who moves to Tokyo to make a future for herself. But underneath everything, Nana is so sad that it's agony. She's afraid of being alone, and she wants to be back with Ren, but her pride is in the way. She doesn't want to beg to get him back. He left, and now she wants to prove (I think mostly to herself) that she can live without him. But people aren't meant to be alone. She's in such a terrible mental state that she's tearing herself apart. She has panic attacks, and crippling fear. As much as she appears to be a free spirit, she hangs on to everyone she loves, terrified that they'll leave her too. But in the end, no one ever knows how much she's suffering. She can hide it from everyone, and everyone thinks she's okay. I wish I was strong like that. I wish I could hide how I feel from everyone. I wish I could pretend to be okay. I wish I could wall myself off and be cold. But I can't. I feel like I care too much. If you care about people more than they care about you, all you'll find is pain. That's why I can relate to Nana. I'm happy for her that she was able to overcome her fear of being abandoned again, and be with Ren in the end.

In Bones, what matters is the body found. One central ideal. There are branching sciences at work, but they all relate back. And Psychology is my comfort food. It deals with people and who they are at the core, and their emotions. I'm good at that. When I can be objective, I can read people's minds. (Don't ever wish for telepathy. You think you want to know what people are thinking. You don't.) I can understand people. It's something I'm good at, and it helps me feel like I have value.

As long as there's someone like me, I'm not crazy. As long as I have value, life is still worth living.







Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Personal Blog

-This blog has been deleted, not because I had any desire to take it down (it was completely honest and straight-forward), but because I will be exposing my blog to more people I know, and the issue is quite over, and I have no desire to rehash it with everyone.