Identity Crisis

Everyone has an identity crisis. Multiple, even. It's a part of our personalities developing. And as much as everyone cringes at teeny-bopper mall goths, when they mature a little bit, it's so nice to see how they fill out, so to speak.

I will likely never grow out of identity crisis (crisises? crisi?). Welcome to being an ENFP. I'm constantly on a mission to uncover more of my personality, and I want to constantly grow as a person.
However, for some reason, this seems to come with people making an image of myself in their heads. A very false one.And yet I never argue. I stand back, and allow everyone to make me into what they need. The problem is that people often make me better than I am. I am no saint, and I am no angel. I am not always a good person.

In fact, I am pretty rarely a good person. I can't live up to the standards people set for me, and it's very stressful. I'd love to be perfect, in every way. Have a perfect brain, a perfect body, and a perfect soul. But I can't. As hard as I try.

I still get jealous. A lot. Too much, actually. My cardinal sin was once wrath, but over the years it 's shifted to envy. I'm jealous of everyone for what they have. Even stupid things. I'm jealous of the attention other people get from my loved ones, I'm jealous of beautiful people, I'm jealous of confident people, I'm jealous of people who have the time to be what they want to be. I'm jealous of people who don't hate their job. I'm jealous of my best friend's other best friend because she's much more beautiful than I. I'm jealous of my boyfriend's ex for no reason at all.

It may stem from low self-value. I don't care for myself, and I don't believe that anyone else does either. I thought for so long that that was a fact, that I find it hard to trust people. And once I do, and they betray my trust (Which everyone will do at some point, it's a fact of life. Everyone makes mistakes, and some of those will hurt you.), I can't ever fully let it go.
 I don't harbor resentment. I don't feel anger, or blame. Just hurt. I feel the pain of when someone shut me out of their life. I feel the pain of when someone had second thoughts. I try so hard to let go, but I'm afraid.

Maybe that when I fully heal, it will happen again. Maybe I'm afraid that if I don't keep hurting myself with these memories, I'll be tender and weak when I'm betrayed again. I'm afraid that I'll be alone again, even when people are around. The feeling of being isolated in a room full of people close to you is horrifying. I think I'm trying to protect myself.

But how long can I remain shielded from life?