A Note From Your Housekeeper

Dearest guests,
Welcome to our fine (or at least habitable) establishment. My name is Raven, and I will be your housekeeper. I would like to leave you this list of tips to make your stay even more enjoyable, for ALL of those involved.
1) Common Courtesy, Clean Your Shit Up - I don't know if you leave your house a damn mess every day, and I don't care. No judgement here. That's what my room always looks like. But this ISN'T your house. When you check out, that mess doesn't magically disappear. Someone has to clean it up. And that someone is me. I don't have all day to clean your frozen exploded soda out of the fridge. How DID you get it to freeze that quickly? It was frozen to the fridge ceiling in a large quantity.

2) You Don't Need To Shave, That Beard Looks Smashing on You - You know what sucks? Cleaning hair out of a sink. Or a tub. Or a toilet. Why are you shaving over the toilet, sir? I find that to be an interesting choice. Hair is a bits to clean out. It sticks to everything EXCEPT what you're cleaning with. And it's apparently invisible until my manager does my room check, when it reappears in all of it's tub-soiling glory. And then I look like an idiot.

3) I'm Sure You're MegaFoxyHot, but Can You Refrain from Getting Baby Batter All Over The Mirror? - Pretty please. For the love of god. STOP GETTING YOUR BODILY FLUIDS ON EVERYTHING. I would appreciate it immensely. My idea of a good day is not cleaning love juices off of whatever weird surface you got it on. I don't need to know what gets you off. In fact, the less I know, the better.

4) You Know That Sign? Don't Pay Attention To It - That sign that says that I care about your comfort? It's a lie, I don't care. The one that says to ask me if you want anything? Don't, I don't care. Deal without it. You know that sign that says to ask when you want your sheets changed? Screw you. DO you change your sheets at home every day? No. I understand if your sheets got covered in...something, but if you just want you sheets changed for fun, you are an idiot and I hate you. I have twenty other beds to strip, sheet, blanket, fold, tuck, and put the comforter on. When you add more to that list, you extend my workday by fifteen minutes. That is not okay. I hate my job enough already.

5) That Envelope is for Tips, Not Decoration - Tip your housekeeper. I clean and restock your room, make your beds, and take out your trash every day that you stay. The least you could do is leave me a few bucks wen you check out. Not to mention, housekeepers take care of tippers. You leave us a tip, and your room will be clean, aired out and freshened, Your sink will be clean, your tub will be clean, your damn toilet will be clean. We'll give you extra coffe if we see that you drink it regularly, we'll even pick up your dirty clothes. If you're an ass, we don't care about you or your stupid room.

Following these easy tips will ensure that your housekeeper won't hate you. And you really don't want your housekeeper to hate you, I promise.

Much love,
          Raven